The Rob Draugr Zombie Survival Kit Present: This Years Number One Christmas Boutique Gift

The fully sealed Zomb-aid Survival Kit

So, because I am a massive geek and all that jazz, I decided, that for Christmas, I would make a present for a very close person. This person loves Zombies. Like me. But isn't me, because that would be most self indulgent. However, it is this love of zombies which we share, and by now they will have recieved this gift, so I thought I'd indulge myself (this is my self indulgent side coming out) and post a step by step guide to the pressie on here. So behold... The Zomb-Aid Survival Kit. Copy the idea if you wish, don't be affraid to ask me what I used for certain bits or for a contents list, I don't bite, hard anyway, and definitely not hard enough to pierce the skin and pass on any or all zombie viruses I may be carrying. At least I think.

First Impressions : They Matter

So this is what we're greeted with when the box is unsealed. There's your standard Zombie slaying aviators, because we all know, that you need to look fucking cool as you slide underneath a zombie in slow motion, offloading a single bullet into their rotting noggin, thus severing the cerebral cortex and destroying the brain. There's the initial little card welcoming you to the end of times yaddah yaddah yaddah, an envelope containing certain information on how to survive and what have you, and oh, whats this underneath...? It looks like a T Shirt... A white one no less, for zombie killing, so you can wear your dried, congealed zombie blood like a badge of honour, because we all know, when the zombie apocalypse happens, washing, drying and ironing can all do one faster than a seventeen year old finishes their first shag.

So the T Shirt has your common or garden "Shaun of the dead" cartoon picture on the front and 'Shaun' name tag, so people can look at you, point at your shirt and let you know you have red on you. Emblazoned across the back, is a useful message to those around you during the more peaceful times in the end of days, whilst sat in the Winchester with the coolers off, "Can I get, any of you C*nts a drink?" and the ever popular 'I Got Wood' symbol. See, we also share a mutual love of the Pegg and Frost combination, having numerously watched Spaced, Hot Fuzz and SOTD together on numerous occasions! And who doesn't love those plucky bastards with their homo erroticism, cornettos ad swishy, flicky camera trickery? Souless, fetless mongs, that's who!

Authenticity...it's time consuming

Onto the next layer, which to be honest, is really just garland, unless of course, the undead hordes really do come to life, then at least it may come in handy! That's right, this is Prof. Robert "Bub" Brook's survival kit, including such old favourites as the lockpicking kit, a torch, matches, a sewing kit for wounds, binoculars and of course, 'The Last Resort', literally a bullet with your name on it. Perhaps I went a bit over the top on this, including this section, however, I wanted to give it a sense of authenticity, a sense that it could actually be practical if needs be.

So, I wondered, if I needed a zombie survival kit, what else would I need? Guns!!! Guns guns guns guns and more guns. And bullets. Since, however, I don't have my grandfather's arsenal to hand and I work as a chef, I can't really afford to go splash out on Nerf guns and spray paint, so I took the ASDA SmartPrice route, purchasing two water pistols, some acrylic paint and a little ingenuity, and thus the duel wielding water pistol look was born!

Obligatory Hog Lumps

At the same time, this is still a present, and does involve hidden gifts within it's contents, however since the gifts are personal, I'm not gonna delve into them in any way shape or form (Mainly because they are all sex toys, fleshlights, whips, chains and gay porn) but I did decided to include a "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" CD featuring everyone's zombie killing favourites: Zombie Stomp by Ozzy, Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden, Seek and Destroy by Metallica and Zombie Nation by Kernkraft 4000. To continue the Christmassy theme though, I figured we'd have to pop in some sweets, cause Christmas isn't Christmas without some form of sugar coated treats and goodies, much like most holiday celebrations now... Coincidence, I think not! Anyway, here's some of the goodies for your viewing pleasure *Please note, do not lick your screen, you cannot taste them through the LCD screen and it makes you look strange, retarded and kind of a weirdo if you do. 


So this is my zombie survival kit present, hope you like it madames et mouisuers. Adios, I'm off to the pub to go watch Norwich lose to Spurs. Til next time. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


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